Hi! To All Of My Homeland Security Friends!

By Kelly Mahan Jaramillo, August, 14th, 2012 

Hey guys and gals -

What the hell is up?  First, I want to say, I totally love you guys.  You are my most faithful readers, my little blogroupies, my bragging points. Seriously, I heart you.

However, I am getting restless.  I feel all John Hughes teenage squirmy love for you, because you look at me all of the time, but you never say anything.  I know you are all up in my words, but you never word me back.

It’s starting to hurt.

I want to give it to you, like back in the days of Chertoff and Senator McCain, but I really cannot think of something that will make us both thrill and vibrate like we did in 2008.

Caroline Dierker chiming in was one helluva threesome, wasn’t it?  But, really, she just showed up out of the blue and gave us a full sense of renewed vows, didn’t she?

I will always love her for that.

I do not know what you want anymore, Homeland Security.  You keep coming home, but there is no political satire for you on the stove.  There are no musings on candidates and their private lives.  There is no doubled over, laugh out loud party central on Michael Chertoff, his demonic name and pathetic finger pointing.

I am not a threat anymore, am I, Homeland Sessy? Even my being in perimenopause causes no alarm, despite my rantings  “If I saw that motherfucker Eric Cantor walking down the street! – - – - “

I am no longer a viable menace, but you still show up. I love you for that. I love you for seeing me through my political exhaustion, political mood swings and political hot flashes.  I love that you won’t let me on a plane, because you are keeping America safe.

After Caroline, it was months before I heard a word form you, you one-night-stand-jerkoff. I cried.

But now you’re back.

What do you want to hear, Homeland my love, my everyday visitor?  Do you want to hear a Bachmann rant?  Oh sugar, you can get that on any street corner. You are always one click away from a Romney riot, or a Wisconson Walker tirade. It’s sad,I thought I was special. The political porn has gotten so slick theses days, and I am just an old fat amateur.

Do you want to see money funneled in the dead of night? If I had it I’d do it, just for you, just for your love, and for the thrill of watching comedians, journalists and pundits all across the aisles yak about…….nothing.

Like the nothing I get when you visit me, and the nothing I give to you anymore.

Ahhh, long ago and far away,  we had a good time, didn’t we, Homeland Security? We rocked it hard into the night.

These days we just quietly curl up cold on the ashes of prayer and promises, God and family, debt and the anti-christ, socialism and baby killing.

We will meet again in 2012.

Forever yours…….