This Holiday Season? Acceptance of a Lack of Faith.

By Kelly Mahan Jaramillo,  Dec 23rd, 2011

It has been so long since I have even looked at any of my blogs, imagine my non-surprise at WordPress’s changed layout. Wander away from anything for four months these days and you might as well be starting basic math and English all over again.

Well, that’s really not the topic, here. Rapid change will be a running undercurrent of future posts, but I am not going to harp on it. I think most of you guys, your minds are pretty hectic right now, no need to induce a panic attack.

Rather than indulging in holiday food and beverage excess, I have taped, I mean, DVR’d (see?) and saved all of my episodes of this season of “Dexter” to stuff myself with.  We started the first two on the 21st, the Winter Solstice. It seemed appropriate to have our own sense of ritual to compliment the always meticulous, ritualistic Dexter.

If possible, I have been anticipating this season even more than previous ones, due to the fact that the theme is religion, God, faith – one of my all time favorite subjects.

It is not my favorite topic due to being religious or having faith – it is my lack of faith that fires my insatiable curiosity. I love religious humor, I am appalled by the atrocities committed in the name of God, I am disgusted and amused by the right-wing politicians who have taken the whole issue to a level of absurdity I cannot even find a word for. You’ve raised the bar on Christian based religious insanity, guys. A post for another day.

Lately, I have been feeling low. My cat has been diagnosed with Chronic Renal Failure at the rather young age of 13, and while he is doing well, my days now revolve around him – meds, feedings, subcutaneous fluids. It’s hard to really concentrate on anything else, and a basic good mood or any sense of joy has been dramatically reduced to the occasional decent laugh at something I find funny. It doesn’t last, it’s just a momentary chuckle.

We all know the news is a nightmare, no solace there. I could make the list but you already have it memorized, I am sure. Everywhere I look, well, it’s grim.

One of my favorite journalists, Christopher Hitchens, just died.  We all knew it was coming, but I will miss his writing, his deft way of being declarative yet still inviting. I did not agree with all of his views, but I appreciated that he offered me a seat in the discussion. His case for the idea of no God always made more sense to me than than anyone making the case for God. Maybe it was his humor, I don’t know.

I have spent a lot of my years trying to find a belief system that made sense to me, a place where Faith would leap up and Hooray! I would finally feel it, own it, be a part of the group. I have gone to almost every type of  religious service, checked out New Age and Wiccan, really enjoyed learning about Tarot Cards. Nothing has stuck.

I am not an atheist, I am a solid agnostic, the “I dunno, I think there is something out there, I mean, I hope there is, but….*shrug.*”  People ask if I believe in God, and I have to be honest. Ummm, no, not really. I have tried, and although the enormous sense of wonder at the scope of the universe has knocked me on my ass  more than a few times, it has never translated into “Faith.”

This is actually starting to bum me out. I am envious of people with true faith, they radiate such a soothing sense of calm. But I do not want to talk about God with them, because the debate is a hamster wheel for me, and I find I am a little bit tired . Plus, it depresses me. I have turned over every stone in my psyche and there is no solid belief to be found. And I am not going to fake it or force it, that feels shitty and hollow and disrespectful to those who have true faith in God. So here I am these days, with a deep desire to believe in God, and pretty solid evidence that I am never going to.

I have wandered back to my neglected blog to put this restless desire down in print, an effort to sort it out on paper. I doubt I am going to see the light or hear the angels, but it feels good to voice my discontent with my “I dunno” state, and admit that this is most likely never going to change, I think I need to just roll with it. Although I have to admit, I am looking forward to seeing how Dexter grapples with this issue. Therapy for the soul with a fictional character. At the risk of being stoned to death, this does not seem much different than the therapy offered by belief in God.

Happy Holidays, everyone. I may start coming back here more often. If I cannot find Faith in God,  at least I know a place where I can organize my thoughts, help settle the chaos in my mind and the ache in my chest. It may not be prayer, but for a little while it delivers me from the unforgiving silence that is always on the heels of the chaos.

Any thoughts? I’d love to hear them.